she's never gonna come back down
by NeoVenus22
Summary: It was about a week after Fiona had come out to her mother that Mama Coyne decided to broach the subject again.


Spoilers: 'Chasing Pavements'

Disclaimer: No one mentioned belongs to me.

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><p>It was about a week after Fiona had come out to her mother that Mama Coyne decided to broach the subject again.<p>

"Fiona," she said, over a plate of salmon. She met her daughter's gaze steadily, but Fiona could tell she was slightly nervous by the way she used her fork to poke tiny holes in her fish. It was a habit Fiona had noticed when she was younger, a gesture that softened her mother's rougher edges. She'd liked it, because it made her mother less imposing. Of course, now it only served to make her nervous in turn.

"I don't want you to think I think you're being dramatic," her mother continued. Fiona traced a line in the condensation on her water glass. No flutes here. "But are you sure about this whole being in love with Holly J thing?"

"Mom, I'm gay." Putting it so bluntly made Fiona feel like she was the main character in an after-school special. But it was true. "I'm sure."

"No, not that," said Mrs. Coyne, looking surprised, and surprising Fiona in turn. She would have thought the whole being a lesbian thing was sort of the dominant issue. "Sweetie, I'm so happy for you that you're finding yourself out, and that you're coming to terms with it."

"Then what's the problem?" said Fiona.

"Well... Holly J."

An anxious, dubious giggle bubbled up in her throat. She hardly considered Holly J a _problem_. "There's no problem with Holly J. She's pretty much perfect. She's smart, she's strong, she's beautiful..." Fiona decided to latch on to accomplishments that were more concrete and more up her mother's alley. "She's Yale-bound. She has a summer job with Counselor Greyson."

Something about Fiona's passionate list made her mother's lips purse. "Well, that's certainly all true," she said cautiously. "I just didn't realize you felt so seriously."

"I'm definitely serious." Fiona felt like she was teetering, about to turn a corner or take a fall. "Mom, just say what you're thinking. I can take it."

Mrs. Coyne gave her a look, as though for a second she didn't believe that, but since she'd been one of the most vocal champions of Fiona's strength recently, she reconsidered. "Holly J is your brother's ex."

As though Fiona had never considered that.

"And while all the things you're saying about Holly J are true, they're just difficult to hear from you, because they're all arguments that your brother made when he first started dating her."

"When you didn't like her," Fiona said, because she hadn't forgotten. She hadn't liked Holly J that much at the time, either.

"I've changed my mind since then, haven't I?" said Mrs. Coyne, raising an eyebrow. "We both have."

"So if you actually do like Holly J, then I don't understand what the problem is. Is it because she's straight?"

"That's part of it."

"I know she's not going to love me back, not like that."

"And are you okay with that?" her mother pressed.

"You've never had a crush on someone you had no chance with?" said Fiona, hoping she was just imagining the small note of defeat creeping into her voice. She knew she wasn't really answering her mother's question.

"Of course. But Holly J is straight. And she and Declan were in... were quite serious." Mrs. Coyne's nervous fork missed the fish and scraped squeakily at the plate. Fiona realized belatedly that his was the point her mother had always intended to make.

"You think Declan will be upset."

"I honestly don't know, Fiona. I like to think your brother is very understanding, but I don't know how he'll react to any of this. I doubt he'll be thrilled."

"It's not his problem," she said, "it's mine. Right now, honestly, I'm not sure either of us has a chance with her."

Mrs. Coyne laughed a little to herself. "They definitely don't tell you how to deal with this in parenting manuals."

Her mother seemed amused, but it made Fiona's heart ache, in a way far different from the way it'd been aching lately. "Am I the worst daughter ever?"

"Of course not. You're my only daughter. You're no better or worse than my other daughters."

It would have been nice if Fiona could have just laughed at her mother's little joke and they could move on. But she couldn't let the idea go. "Is Declan easier?"

"Easier? It's different, Fiona, that's all."

"Even if we both like girls?"

Mama Coyne reached across the table and squeezed Fiona's hand. "Just because you like girls doesn't mean you're anything like Declan. And being different, in any capacity, doesn't make you better or worse than him. It just makes you different. And let me tell you something, Fiona. Everyone is different, no matter what anyone tells you. It just seems more difficult when you're young." She smiled weakly. "But that's not the sort of thing you want to hear, is it?"

"No, Mom, it's exactly the sort of thing I want to hear." Though she could tell her mother's worries were far from assuaged, Fiona got the impression that particular conversation, or that particular round of it, was over. She waited until she'd finished the last few bites of food on her plate before she spoke. She hadn't meant to bring it up so soon, but her mother had opened the door. "I came out to Holly J."

She wasn't mistaking it when Mrs. Coyne's shoulders tensed and her brow furrowed slightly. "You did?" her mother asked, to her credit, making it sound casually interested. "When?"

"At dialysis the other day. I thought it was better to do it when she couldn't run away."

Her mother let the latter of Fiona's comments slide. "What did she say?"

"She was amazing about it. She didn't seem scared. Or... surprised." That was something to think over later. Not that she hadn't been thinking it over thoroughly enough anyway. "She was really great about it. Everyone's been really great." 'Everyone' was only two people, but she had expected something dramatic. The past few months had been so tumultuous that Fiona had been expecting the fallout to be more spectacular. Instead, it was like shooting a gun and only getting the flag that said 'bang'. "I thought this was supposed to be hard."

"Fiona, do you think your drinking problem was at least in part because you were," Mrs. Coyne was so visibly groping for the right word it was a surprise she wasn't using her hands, "worried about your sexuality?"

Fiona was a little surprised her mother had figured that out so quickly, given that Fiona herself hadn't even realized it for a long time. "Yes."

"Well, that wasn't easy for any of us." Her mother smiled at her patiently. "So then your coming out was difficult. Everyone is different, Fiona."

Of course, since there was a flag and no fire, Fiona had a lot of leftover tension with nowhere to go. The alcohol had always relaxed that, or at least made it harder to notice. Fiona stared at her tumbler of water, which looked clunky and awkward. "I think I'm going to go lie down," she said. Off her mother's obvious concern, she explained, "I'm just tired. It's been a long day."

"I'll clear the table, then. You're sure you're all right?"

"As all right as I've ever been." Fiona chewed her lip for half a second, but it seemed counterproductive to replace one bad habit with another one. She smiled instead. "I'm glad you're here."

"So am I. You may not believe this, but there's going to come a day where you won't need me so much anymore. It's the best and worst part of a mother's life."

The idea of it made Fiona feel hopeful and sad all at once. One look at Mrs. Coyne's face and she could tell her mother felt the same. Fiona had never felt so connected to her mother as she did in that moment. That made her feel entirely hopeful, not sad at all.

Fiona brushed her teeth, got dressed, and climbed into bed. For the first time in about a week, she felt like things might actually be okay. She felt almost drunk on the thought. And she didn't cry herself to sleep.


End file.
